I'm glad that, for the last two weeks (and from now on into the forseeable future), I've had constant work again. It started as soon as we got back from ManicsQuest2009 (it has come to be called that quite officially... I still have to make epic entries on it - therefore the more I talk about writing it, the less likely I'm going to do it ergh) which was nice to keep my mind busy after such a fun time. I seem to feel the worst after fun highs. I just get really low as a side effect. I need to see people more. I don't see anyone except Janelle most days. I don't even leave the house because we don't have cash to go do anything, so I don't see any of my friends left in town after graduating or just moving on. Everyone is busy still going to school, continuing school, working, or just hanging out with other people. I'm an old person too early. I read textsfromlastnight.com to remember what it was like to have crazy, wild fun. Which is sad, because most of the time people are puking or having blackout sex. God, just talking about that makes me miss being ridiculous. I miss being back in the Chicago suburbs with my oldtime, longtime friends causing a ruckus. I just wish they were all still back there when I went to see them. I just need to go on a good bender and get it out of my system for a few months. But that involves a lot of disposable income for alcohol.

And that where the working comes in. I'm working and making money, which should help us out of this slump in a lot of ways. Janelle is going ot start tomorrow at my job because, since there was such a drought in studies and no work for so long, no one really works there anymore. They need people, Janelle needs a job for the time being (that is, until she gets a good job), so it's a match. And she has the skills they need, so it's a good match.

While not at work, I'm trying to work out a good way to keep updating the fanzine page with relevant information while not driving myself insane and not working on that and only that for the rest of ever. I dont' want it to be too complicated because I don't want to have to spend all my free time with it, but I don't want to bore people into not coming back because nothing ever happens. There's got to be something between issues (the next one due out in January - still no subscribers :( - so THAT needs to be worked on too), and I'm just drawing a blank for original content. Rare/old/classic interview/music video/performance youtube video friday? Dig up old print interviews and post them for a classic Tuesday? Get more comics together, scan, rework the art, and post those, maybe, biweekly? I dont' know. Just some things I'm kicking around. I'm totally open to suggestions. TOTALLY OPEN.

On top of that, I'm trying to get back to writing. Something. Anything. The easiest way I can think of is fic. And the easiest way i see doing that is picking up The Epic where I left off. But I'm remembering why I sputtered out on that one. My obsession with facts and being as 'historically accurate' as possible creates a slow writing atmosphere because I'm bent on making sure it's right and doubting myself until I just put the pen down. I've finally gotten a semi-coherent way of organzining chapters/event/universes, but I'm not completely happy with it. It'll work for now, but I'm not feeling confident about it. I think that's my problem: I dont feel confident about much. I think my self-esteem has been slowly trailing downward without me noticing, and now that it's lingering extremely low, I'm finally being held back by it. I need to look up some sort of affordable/free counseling because I miss therapy. I liked being able to talk to a neutral party about things that were bothering. I have a great support system, but I just need to talk about a lot of things I'm not allowing myself to with who I have.

To be the icing on the cake, no pun intended, I'm fat. And before I get flack (or whatever I could get by that... it's pretty obvious, though) I don't equate fat with ugly. This is nothing to do with self image, or, at least, it has little to do with it (when doesn't something have to do with self-image?). I'm just feeling unhealthy, I've gained back all the weight I lost in college (who even does that? losing weight in college?) and am back to my highest weight. It's a weight I've been at many times and I always hover at it for a while before dipping again. I've tried halfassed attempts at diets (healthy calorie counts and serving size control), but that didn't last when we got extremely busy with ManicsQuest2009. It's also pretty expensive. Unhealthy food is so much easier to make and keep and buy and get creative with. When I can't afford anything fresh (except potatoes), it's hard. Luckily, I got my food money upped, which has been a godsend, but it's still got to feed both of us. The hardest part is that I feel hungry all the time. My habits are shitty, so there's that. And with winter coming, I'm at a loss for what to do for exercise. Being 22 with arthritis is ball.

But... enough moping? Maybe. I also believe this is the most disjointed entry ever. Any advice is welcome for any of my numerous problems. Gah.

Ugh, I am a sad!face. Wtf.


So... how are you?

I've come to realize I have yet to update here. Back to my old routine, I guess.

I haven't been writing much. Not a review, and update for the sites, or any other work for the zine. Ick. Now that I'm rested, working, and not feeling like solid shit, things should change.

But judging how well I'm moving along on creating a sane way to organize my thoughts/notes over The Epic (don't know if I linked it here... started it for NaNo 2 years ago and still working on that Manic pile of fic), things may start slow. Oh well. I can only do what I can.

Talk to you soon, LJ? I hope so.

THERE WILL BE SOMETHING MORE COHERENT LATER BUT JAMES TOLD JANELLE AND I TO GET MARRIED SOON SO WE CAN HAVE CRAZY WEDDING NIGHT SEX BECAUSE IT'S AWESOME AND WE NEED TO GET MARRIED AND I HUGGED NICKY WIRE AND MADE HIM SAY "OH" BECAUSE I SQUEEZED TOO HARD AND JAMES HUGGED ME ON HIS OWN VOLITION AND HE'S SO SHORT AND NICKY IS SO TALL AND I WAS FRONT AND CENTER ON THE STAGE RIGHT UNDER JAMES AND I TOOK SO MANY GREAT PICTURES ON JESS' CAMERA AND OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD

I know I haven't updated in a while, but the busy has taken me over. The apartment is beautiful and clean. The random inspection (which wasn't just us, so it wasn't because we did something wrong like I thought we had) wen't swimmingly. Seriously, the apartment is crazily clean. cheshcan and rocknrollpsycho showed up last night to begin Manics Quest 2009. We just drove four hours to Minnesota so we can see the Manics at the Varsity Theater. I've come to realize we forgot a lot of import things (newgeneration's computer cord, any sort of outerwear for me, some of our pop (a case and 3 2liters to be exact) and... that's it so far), but we have coupious amounts of foodz because buying fast food is too expensive. I burned/created so many Manics playlists. So. Much. Done.

We mailed the zine out to two guys going to shows on the West coast and they were a hit. Someone even showed James and got it signed. He was "impressed" by the cover.

BE STILL MY UNBEATING HEART!!!!! <3 <3 <3

We are chilling right now in the hotel room until we leave for the venue at 6:30pm. The doors are at 8pm, but we want to make sure to queue up early for a good spot and meet people (while handing out the zine, of course) before the actual show at 9pm. Luckily, there hasn't been too many people at these shows because it's made up of only diehards (who else would show up to these faggots' shows?), so we won't have to get to pushy. But I'm totally willing to throw elbows. No, I'm not kidding.

Oh, I almost forgot! I dyed my hair bright red again. It's that pinky red. I like it. A little patchy, but not noticeable. The roots from bleaching it a couple weeks ago (I decided to get two hair styles out of this process.. and it looks vaguely natural given my eyebrow/eyelash color) didn't take the couple as much as I had expected. I didn't expect much because bleached always takes way more, but it's so faint. Luckily, it doesn't look off. I think when it starts to grow out a little, I'm going to dye it a rustier red. Not an ugly red, but more of a red red. To cover the pink and such.

I really need to pick out my clothes. I mended holes in my favorite black skinny pants for my military Holy Bible era outfit and got white jeans that I took in to become skinny jeans for my Generation Terrorists era outfit. Not I just have to decide which to wear to which night. TOO MANY DECISIONS.

And we just figured out we forgot our jewelry. Fortunately, I wore what I intended to wear all week (just some earrings and my fake engagement rings), but Janelle doesn't have hers. :(

Hmmmm... so I' gonna pick out my clothes and lay down while my iTunes churns out more Manics tune to hype me up until we have to go downstairs for our FREE shuttle to the show. Yeah, UMinn Days Inn.

( Check out our giftbags for the boys )



PS. flautenpupie_79, I haven't forgotten about your vacuum cleaner. I will totally get it back to you when I get back. THANKS AGAIN!

Having thought we would be done yesterday (or even the day before), Janelle and I are still working on the zine. Luckily, it's all minor tweeks, so it's not too bad. We'll be dropping it off tomorrow before we leave for Janelle's friend, Steph's wedding up/over in Clear Lake. Or where ever.


*3 hours later*

So, I abandoned that entry. Totally forgot. That's because I was finishing a comic, cropping photos, taking photos, and I still have to demonstrate how to sew something. Well, not just sewing, but a specific craft. Eff. But it is almost done and then I get to take a shower and go to sleep. Tomorrow, it will all be dropped off at Zephyr and we will get to forget about it until we pick it up on Sunday. We'll send it out on Monday to the (few) distributors we have for the tour dates we can't make it to and all various people we promised a free issue to because of their help in its making in one way or another.

12 days until our stop on the tour. It's driving me crazy with excitement. Now that I don't really have to do anymore zining (besides the sewing I have to fake for some photographs), I can concentrate on how crazy-nervous-exccited-anxious-oh-my-god-they're-really-coming I am.

I'll post more pics of what I've been doing on everything when I make the website updates I should've been doing earlier this week. Bright side: I have more to update about now, so that'll make us look better. I still wish I knew how to work a WordPress. Well.

Been watching a lot of Due South with Janelle. 'Sbeen nice. I like showing things I ADORE, and she's really enjoying it (or, at least, really good at faking it :) ), so that's even more awesome. Almost to "Victoria's Secret," which is my favorite episode/arc ever. I can't wait. Must stock up on tissues. ;)

So................. yeah....

Too much Moutain Dew and a need for sleep. Here's to sewing!

I'm almost finished with the cover of Exile. I'm so excite for it to be done, but I'm more excited to not be working on it anymore. :)

( check it out? )

There's going to be intense work done this week on the zine. It's almost done, but the tour is almost here, so almost isn't good enough. We need to print them and send them out ASAP. The tour starts a week from Monday aka tomorrow. I will surely be pulling my hair out soon.

Other than zining, we haven't really been doind much. Last night was Tiffany's (unknownpoet06) birthday and we met her up at Donnelly's in the pedmall. I'm really growing to like that place. Before her party at nine, Janelle and I went early to get dinner because everyone raves about it and what little I've gotten there has been fantastic. I got pulled pork and Janelle got a burger and we chowed down like we had been starving. Sure, we've been on a health kick, counting calories and watching our portions, but we have been far from starvation. And now those diets are screwed because that food was so good. I had sweet potato fries, and I can't wait to go back and get more. I'm drooling just thinking about them. I had my first Irish Car Bomb, which wasn't that awful. Actually, kind of good. Anyway, we went home early like old people and it was nice.

All in all, everything has been pretty ok. I have more hours at work tomorrow and that's even nicer. :)

There's been a whole lot of nothing going on around here. I got a few more hours at work, which was nice. I haven't been able to go to plasma this week (and a few of those work hours) because of severe, I-think-I'm-having-a-baby-right-now cramps. I count the days until menopause. The zine has been busying, which has been a nice, creative release. I still have to get around to making entries on all the sites for an update, since it's been a while. I still need to properly set up the wordpress, so that it has pages and links and tags and the like. My good friend, Jason, who works in web design stuff says he'll polish it up for free for his portfolio, which will be nice.

Right now, I'm resting with a few of those cramps that came too late. I can't wait for my baby to come home from plasma. I just wish I could get something done to show her. I was playing Bubble Bobble on my old Nintendo (have I already mentioned I have an old Nintendo, a Super Nintendo, an N64, and a PS2 hooked up in my living room? Because it's AWESOME! Come over and play? You should) with Lucas (iruvjapan), but I'd like something more productive to show her.

I don't know. I'll think of SOMETHING I'm capable of right now.

Oh man, it feels like we've been working on the zine constantly. But I enjoy it, so it's not like I'm complaining.

I wish I could really do this. Like, make a real magazine that people actually want to read and just do that for a living. I like my job, but it's only a job, not a career. I don't know how long I can take calling farmers and talking extremely indepth about their crops. :)

Janelle and I made so much food tonight, omg. We made chili for the week. It's got two bags of dried beans, beef, and holy shit, what didn't we put in it? It's awesome. And then, with all the beans we couldn't fit, we made black bean and garlic sauce beans, chicken, and noodles in the wok with sesame oil. I put General Tsao sauce on it and it was exquisite.

Okay, so randomly, I'm trying to think of a movie (could've been a TV show) that had a guy (I'm pretty sure it was a guy, but it could've been a lady) that ate everything covered in Tabasco sauce. I think he (or she) was and angel (but he (or she) could've just been an alien or something). I don't know why I thought of this, but I can't find anything on the internet because it's hard to ask google questions.

But yeah. Chili. Beans. Manics. Workin' hard.

I can't stop listening to Imogen Heap. I know it's Freddie Mercury's birthday today (HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOU, MAN!!!!!), but I can't turn her off. It's helping me with writing, anyway, so what's so bad.

Irritating poor Janelle with it, that's what. But she understands.

We celebrated the shit out of that motherfucker. I don't know what else to say. :D

Mark Fuckin' Perry, no one is forgetting you after that extended weekend of togetherness, love, and respect.

Everyone was there. Everyone was excited to see everyone, even when you thought they would avoid you in hatred or you didn't think you could stand to see them again. Everyone was on their best behavior and everyone partied as hard as they could. It was perfect, and he would've wanted it that way.

I slept almost 15 hours in the last 24 or so because of how much I didn't get a chance to sleep since Friday night when I last saw my bed. We went to bed at 10pm last night and I didn't wake up for 10 hours, Janelle 12. Then, midday, we passed out in a mass of nap. It was glorious.

I don't even know what to talk about covering the last week and a half. But it was how Perry would've wanted it. Things will come back to me as I go. Hopefully I have the energy to keep writing them. I know, I'm already tired again. FML




To veer away from all thing RL and stressful, we're working on the zine again and I'm pondering The Epic. I'm pretty sure the soundtrack for it is select Rob Thomas/Mathbox 20 and Imogen Heap songs. Seriously. Richey is a faggot.

( The Moment I Said It by Imogen Heap )

So, I totally have a scene working around that in the James/Richey universe. You know you can't wait.

And her song, "The Walk," is totally Richey's favorite. And I have MB20/Rob Thomas songs for each one of them and each pairing. I am a complete weirdo.

Well, I have to figure out how to get this Zine-ing done on time. I don't think much will come of it tonight, but I'll have tomorrow planned. ;)

I want to go to sleep for a couple years. Just a couple. Until life blows over for a while.

A good friend of mine is in hospice right now -

I don't want to finish this right now. I've realized I'm still not ready to deal with everything and I'll be back later when I can.

I don't know why, but I miss my paid account. It's not like I need one, seeing as I can't get my ass to update more than once a year.

It feels weird not to reaccount the last few years I haven't been LJing before getting back to daily updates of mundane life. A lot has happened to me over the years. I guess I'll just have to hint at it all with what's happening now and maybe collect writing to post later to tell tales of insanity, sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.

Man, it got crazy there for a while.

Anyway, I updated last time that I was doing that 101 in 1001 and that I would post it when Janelle got her computer back from GeekSquad. Well, guess what was one of three files they deleted? Sure was! I am still trying to tell myself to stop being bummed and rewrite it, but it took me so long to come up with all of them that it's really frustrating. I had a bunch written down and Janelle and I stole ideas from each other, so I can look at her list, but it's still not the same. I WANT IT TO BE DONE. DAMMIT.

Janelle and I have been going to plasma as regularly as possible (she goes more than me since I dehydrate easily), and that has been helping with the fact that I havent worked since the middle of Julyish and she hasn't worked since the end of June. Mmm, rent! And bills!

Some sort of nice goal I've reached this summer was that I've completely stopped biting my nails. Anyone of you that has known/met me in real life will know that is AMAZING. I used to bite my nails down to the quick, past the quick, until there was next to nothing left. I've done that my whole life, and now I have long, long, looong nails that almost make it hard to type. They reach well beyond my fingertips and it still amazes me. I now have use for the huge basket of nail polish I've been keeping forever, only ever being able to use on my toes. :)

I hope to work more on the zine today. Janelle has been starting the Manics & America article that I'm really excited about. We have to do oodles more research into their relationship with this place and blah blah blah. I'm, slowly, making progress on the cover art. I keep getting discouraged because I've never been good at working in color anyway, and now I'm doing my first project on the computer with my tablet in photoshop and I just don't know what the hell I'm doing. On top of that, I have to make artwork for the rest of the inside, and I've only scratched the surface on the cover.

The tour seems like it's coming so fast, but so far away at the same time. Janelle and I are going to the Minneapolis and Chicago shows. I can't wait. But I could, because we're passing out the zines there and I would LOVE more time. We're getting people to pass them out at the other dates we can't afford to be at, but we still need to make more friends to do that. And we need more past experience info on the venues so we can write about it in the concert section and GAHHHH!!!!

Too much, too much.

Oh well, here's to a good day of research and writing today.

I always say I'm going to get back to updating, and I neveer do. So, I'm going to label this what it is: a one off update.

Sure, I hope it happens again (and more regularly even!), but that's a goal that hasn't proved easy to reach.

I haven't even looked at my LJ in ages, so I don't know where I really left off. But, here goes...

I don't live with Clark anymore (did I even blog while we lived together? I feel I should've). He lives with Tiff (unknownpoet06) now, which is great, since they were friends first and Clark and I met and agreed to live together on, what seems, the same drunken night. My roommate now is my lovely, darling girl, Janelle. We love having a place that's ours and refering to everything as such. Our room. Our bed. Our kitchen. Our TV. It's nice. We're such a disgusting couple. :)

While they were moving her big furniture in, I finally met her parents. Her mom is warming to me faster, but it's still going to be a while before they adore me. They still have to get used to the fact that I'm only slightly different than Prince Charming, and only in the fewest of places.

I don't think I ever told anyone on here, but I will now. Janelle and I are engaged, and have been since March 15th 2008. I asked her before my 21st barcrawl. How romantic. But it was the best birthday present I could've ever asked for. (Don't mind the fact that we only started dating a 2 months and four days before that... we are such a lesbian joke...) We haven't set a date yet, and my ring still turns my finger green, but we've brainstormed oodles and cut out pretty pictures of ideas. Shall be magnificent when it actually does happen. But first we need to tell her parents. Someday.

Our friend Lucas (iruvjapan) has been staying with us, generally being the best guest ever. He randomly tidys up and does dishes and contributes to meals. Perfect. And he's adorable to boot. :D

Janelle and I are in the process of creating a zine. It's going to be an American Manic Street Preachers fanzine. We're pretty sure THAT'S never happened before, so we have some kitsch appeal there. And then, about a week or two after we decided that a zine is what we wanted to do, North American tour dates started cropping up and they are confirming a full-blown tour, the first in 10 years. Good luck for us even if we have never done anything like this. But we're confident. Seeing as she's worked at a newspaper for over two years doing EVERYTHING there, and we're both obsessively knowledgeable about MSP, I think we have a nice background to us that will make it easier. We have the layout all created and artcles and features planned. I've been producing art for it. It's crazy exciting and crazy overwhelming. But fun!

Janelle and I are also doing our own 101 in 1001 lists. That is also exciting and I'm really happy about my list. Just started it within the last few weeks. We're already getting things crossed off and we're very proud. My list is on Janelle's computer, and her computer is being de-bugged right now, so I'll post my list later if I remember.

So, we're still getting our home together, Janelle is still trying to find a good job around here, and I'm waiting for my job to resume. We have a lot of great goals for our future, but right now, we're just in desperate need of bookshelves.

I don't know what I forgot, but it was probably big.

I'm not dead. Just dreadfully busy.

I won't make some empty promise to make sure to update more, but I do plan on actually posting again.

It's part of my goals.

Still read my flist.

But now I'm off to work.

:)

Love

Life has been crazy, moving a million miles a minute. I haven't updated, it seems, since I broke my toe. That pain is just a distant memory, so I need to update again.

As I already said ages ago, I have an apartment. We are all moved in now and it's nice. Well, a little jankey, but big and ours, so therefore nice. I'm living with this kid, Clark, who is from where Tiff's dad is from (Ottumwa, where she now calls home since her mom moved to Florida from Des Moines, where she actually hails from) roundabouts and they used to work at Hyvee together. He needed a place to live, so did I, we got along, I took care of him while he was really drunk one night, and that cemented our awesome friendship.

( Here's a picture of how awesome we are at Tiff's 21st )

We have gotten along and he's pretty much the shit, so I'm lucky. Also, he doesn't constantly try to end me in my sleep for being a nutjob, so that's cool too. I'm exposing him to Doctor Who while he gets me to watch anime (currently Basilisk). And he drives my ass around while my van is in the shop (and very well may be headed to the big junk yard in the sky).

I don't do much but work (Telefund & UI parking), sleep, and school, but I'm learning to enjoy it. I'm getting better, especially since the last few weeks have been nothing but a stay-in-bed-hide-from-the-world weep-fest. But I'm back on what I need and getting great support in all the right places.

And last, but definitely not least, newgeneration is the best girlfriend in the world. She's amazing and has been the best thing in my life, keeping me on track and not letting me forget what's important. She's amazing and I could write tomes about how perfect she is, but I'll just leave it at this. For now. <3

I'm excited because tonight we're all going to Perkins, and you should know how much I love that place (a lot).


( The best email ever received from nin.com / Trent Reznor )

It's an email that made my life this morning. Seriously, Trent, seriously.

PS. I've never had anyone foul up my smell-space around me as bad as the girl that just sat next to me. Oh my god, Ms. Hippie, I'm breathing through my mouth within seconds of your arrival, there's a problem.

There was some heavy drinking last night. I, though, am not sick. But I did break my toe.

Again, more updates to come.

I am no longer homeless and sleeping in my very own place. More to come soon.

I have done nothing all day but surf the net and watched almost a complete cycle of ANTM.

I probably should feel bad about this, but I don't. I'm missed chilling out, not allowing myself to think about anything too huge.

But, in the end, I can't wait for my baby to come home. I miss her, even when she's just at work.